It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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