Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
