Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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