I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
