Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
