I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
