remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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