Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
