I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
