I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
