Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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