its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
