I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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