I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
