i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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