Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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