She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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