i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
