I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
do herpes really smell.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
