I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
