what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
