I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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