I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.