I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?