My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I supernannyed him into submission
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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