Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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