Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
