Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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