mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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