Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When are your genitals available?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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