Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
