so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
