Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
