The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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