dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
