you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
