Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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