i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
