the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
being pregnant is like rehab
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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