I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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