I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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