it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
