I'm jealous of your bromance
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
