how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
