Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
