Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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