This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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