If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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