It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
