Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
