The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?