Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice