i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
