just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
