Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
