Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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