I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need to calm my uterus...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
