i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
