I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
