Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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