Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
