so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
