I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
